K&K times

The CH, being his usual forgetful self, has lost the CD which has been rented from his office library. Even after prolonged searching as long as 3 days, the disc is yet to be found. So, he asks the other tech-geek in our house about its whereabouts.

CH – Dei Kaushik! Did you see the CD which Appa brought from his office?

Kau – Mela Appa. (Its up there!)

CH – Where da? **eyeing every cupboard above**

Kau – Mela Appa. Kaaka mela kothindu pochu. CD kaanum! (The crow has taken it above. The CD is missing!)

CH – ??!!!

My laughter is heard from the other end of the house, with a note of thanks to Karma.

*****

Continuing with the CH’s organising skills (or the lack of it!), he decides to clean his crappy bag one fine day. He keeps taking out things after things. Finally, a tie lands up from his bag. Keer has a look at it, brings it to me and says, ‘Amma.. Duppatta appa bag-la. Why?’ So much for the tip-top Appa.

*****

Kaushik, one day, digs up my bag to bring a clutch of Rs. 100 notes. Panicking, I snatch them from him. I ask him what he was going to do with all the notes.

Kaushik  - ‘Amma.. Koooo train ticktek-ku paisa..’ (Seems he is giving me money for tickets for the train)

Me – Where are you going by the kooo train?

Kau – Ooool Amma.. Kovil ool (Apparently we visit a a lot of temples in Madras and hence it is Kovil ool!)

Me – Who is there in Kovil oor?

Kau – Kol patti, paati, thatha!

I guess its high time we plan a visit to Madras; else the brat will take the train on his own.

*****

Its about 6 in the evening and Keer is howling her heart out for some Oreo biscuits. I realise she’s had too much already and hide the packet behind the microwave. She keeps searching for it across the house. Finally, she asks me.

Keer – Amma.. Oyo bicket kaanom. (Amma.. Oreo biscuits are missing!)

Me – Kaaum? (Missing?)

Keer – Oyo bicket kaaka kothindu pochal.. (The crow has taken the Oreo biscuits.)

I breathe a sigh of relief as she gets diverted with some other activity. It is around 8 in the night. Dinner time. I sit her on the counter top to take some rice. Fortunately for her, she spots the biscuits hidden behind the microwave.

‘Amma.. Oyo bicket! Kaaka kothal illai’. Her face glows like a hundred watts bulb. The next moment, there is a drastic change. She goes ‘Ippo bicket venum!’ Her howls are heard across the locality. I sigh.

*****

One evening, both of them demanding for chocolate, I yield to their request. For once. I give them two pieces of chocolates each. And then, to add some drama, I throw a tantrum. This is how it goes -

Me – I want chocolate too. **Makes a crying face**

Keer and Kau stare at me. I continue.

Me – I want chocolate too. **Now crying even harder**

Kau – There.. **Pointing at the chocolate wrapper**

Me – There is no chocolate left. That is an empty wrapper. **Shows the paper to them**

Kau – Okay.. Appa vaangi varuva! (Appa will get it when he gets back!)

Although stunned at his apt reply, I refuse to give up.

Me – No.. I want chocolate now. **Crying**

Kau – Okay. Here. **Hands over one piece of the chocolate**

Before I could grab it, Keer grabs it from him.

Keer – Amma – Chocolate – No! This is Kau’s. **Hands it over to him**

Me – No. I want chocolate. **Crying hard**

Keer – Okay. Padhi-Padhi. (We’ll share half each!)

Me – Okay.

She breaks the chunk into two, does a stock audit of all the smaller ones and gives the smallest piece to me. Hmph. For all that I do, this is what I get. But on second thoughts, at least this I get.

*****

I am in the kitchen making some Chapathi-dough. Keer and Kau are running around the house. Kaushik falls down and comes running to me crying. ‘Amma.. Uvva’, he sobs. My hands are tied up with the wheat flour. I look at a panicked Keer standing next to him.

She takes his arms where he’s gotten hurt, rubs it a little, pats his back and says, ‘Uvva?? Seriya pochal!’ He still sobs. Now, she gives the so-called-wound a kiss and again says, ‘Seriya pochal!’. Now the other one too screams ‘Seriya Pochal!’.

I stand there dumbstruck while the duo are back in their elements running around the house.

P.S – I will surely try to post some pictures next week.

Random Ramblings

I’ve not been using my two-wheeler for the last 2 months for want of warmth and sunlight. The blistering cold has made sure I get cold and cough every time I take a ride on the bike. Which in turn has led the Pep to get enough rest. Now, that the weather is tending towards normal (for me), I have begun using the Pep for the last few days. I was a little apprehensive about using the bike, all the while wondering if anything would’ve changed in these two months. But alas, even the buffaloes haven’t. Heh!

*****

Last week, I was watching a reality show for kids, which had a round called ‘Dedication round’. Every child had to dedicate a song to someone they know. Who would a 6-7 year old dedicate a song to? Mom. Dad. Teacher. Friend. Even a dog would do for me. Then, I am from a generation way apart from these kids, I think. Every kid had a story to say. A sad story at that, with tears flowing all around. One dedicated it to the doctor who saved his life. (Every baby will have a doctor (apart from the mother and father) who would give it life too. No?) One was missing her father who was in America, while she was here for this show. And shed buckets of tears for him. One was missing her flat-mate. I mean, give me a break. Aren’t children meant to have happy memories too? I agree TRPs are important for the TV channel but to gain them in this manner?! Sigh.

*****

Do you remember Tirupura Sundari’s Thiruttu Paati? She passed away on Monday. For the uninitiated, her real name is S.N.Lakshmi and she was 85, when she passed away. Kamal Hasan was the sole person who realised what a talent she was. He showed every acting side of her. Her hilarious one in MMKR; her sober and mature one in Mahanadi as his mom-in-law; a confused burkha-wearing muslim in Kadhala Kadhala; and a grandmother of a sinister villain Nasser in Thevar Magan. (Kamal paid homage to her from his Viswaroopam sets with an obituary in The Hindu. You can read it here). A wonderful actress gone after sumptuously entertaining us. May her soul rest in peace.

*****

From the time I began watching cricket, this ‘will he or won’t he’ debate has cropped up at least a dozen times. In more clearer terms, we are talking about Sachin’s retirement. Now, I guess it is Sourav’s turn to say this. He says, ‘Sachin should reconsider his ODI career’. Yes.. I admit I love Sourav’s batting style. He is undoubtedly the God of off-side cricket. Then, I doubt if that can make him an unscrupulous speaker. We all know how the Master suppresses all these tongues which wag, time and again, with his bat. I believe if a person knows to score 99 centuries playing for more than two decades, he’ll obviously know when to hang his boots as well. For God’s sake, leave the God alone, I say.

*****

I was reading ‘En Iniya Iyanthira‘ by Sujatha Rangarajan last week. I am at a loss of words to even talk about the genius Sujaatha sir is/was. (Sujatha’s real name is Rangarajan and he took his wife’s name (WIFE!) Sujatha for writing novels. And the name just stuck on!) For those who are willing to know, this book is a science fiction with a robot dog called Juno leading the plot. To me, Juno is the most cute protagonist I’ve ever read about. Given the fact that this book was written in the 1970s, I can only wonder at the realistic yet gigantic forethought that the author had in mind. I can’t even imagine how much more untapped talent this guy had in him. Or rather how much we failed to tap. Sigh. Now, I am waiting to lay my hands on this book’s sequel ‘Meendum Juno’. I, for sure, know that I won’t be disappointed.

*****

A last word about me/us. I am in the process of taking some big decisions in life. Then, I have some really confusing options before me. The CH and me keep discussing and discussing and end up only getting confused further. If I say option A would work, he would come up with B. When I settle on B, he would go back to A. You get the drift right? I only hope we finally arrive at some option. It could either work or not. But to see if it does really work or not, we first need to make the decision. Will you please wish me luck with this process, people? In return, I promise, I’ll let you know about it once things settle down a bit. Deal?

Religion, rituals and rules

Disclaimer – Although I am fully aware of the fact that a blog is a space for personal opinions, I still wish to plant a disclaimer specifically for this post, given the fact that this is a pretty dicey one. THIS POST TRULY REPRESENTS MY VIEW ON RELIGION AND RITUALS, with a bit of research involved (for which due credit is given). Thanks!

Warning – Long post ahead.

Seema had a written a post some time ago, citing some of the relevance of some rituals followed in today’s world. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a long time. Actually, a very close to the heart topic this – religion, rituals and rules.

I always try to believe that every ritual we bash up today, as not wanting to follow, has a logically made beginning. Sometimes, even a scientifically backed up one. But sadly, the logic that was relevant then is simply redundant now. The sadder part is that logic existing or not, we still keep following those rituals, claiming as patrons of culture. What more, we wish to impose such rituals on others. Sigh.

I would wish to equate God and religion to the case of a pair of disjointed twins. Initially, when religion was born, it was deeply connected with God. But as years progressed and a man’s ego became more prominent than devotion, they slowly parted ways. Now, religion has very little to do with God. Very very little. Religion has done nothing except sowing the seeds for an even more deeper split among fellow human beings resulting in hatred and jealousy.

And the weed that has cropped up from such an untimely seed is the caste system. It had its own humble logical beginning. In a society where four kinds of work are to be done, dividing such work amongst all people is the wisest way of doing things. But, claiming superiority based on such work is insane. And that insanity is what has eventually resulted. Sigh. May be, I would have supported the caste system (a.k.a varna dharma) now, had nothing changed from the time it was put in place. But alas, every damn thing has changed and yet clinging on to the caste, as that heritable by birth, is such a farce.

One standard phrase I’ve heard from my paati and my MIL a lot of times, when we question the reason behind the doing of a ritual, is ‘This is how I was taught to do. We didn’t question our elders. You are also ideally not supposed to. But then, it is ultimately your call!’ Which eventually makes us feel as if, by questioning, we are actually doing a sin, inviting the wrath of God and the elders. It becomes even more difficult explaining to these elders the relevance (or the lack of it, thereof) simply because there will always be a religious connotation involving a God to the entire scheme of things. Sigh. Then, comes the biggest of all – judging a person’s character based on whether we execute/don’t execute such rituals. The lesser said about it, the better.

Me, being brought up and now married to, a TamBrahm home, I’ll try explaining the irrelevance of a certain customs that are followed here. First, from the basics.

Who is exactly a brahmin? I did a wiki-search on the word brahmin and boy, was I overwhelmed with the results. It was a sure astonishing revelation that a search for the word brahmin can bring out so many meanings with every state having their share of complications. Truly India is a diverse country.  A few of the lines from the Wiki search caught my attention. A brahmin cannot take up any professional occupational duty for his livelihood. How else do I earn a living? Ah… Then, I get back to Wiki again to find out this – Three basic occupational duties of the Brahmanas are – Worship of the deity, study of the Vedas, and the giving of charity! In exchange, a brahmana should receive charity and this should be his means of livelihood. 

Right. Now that the rules are in place, I believe none of the permutations and combinations would work there in my case. I am no brahmin. Not that I want to be one. If I am not a brahmin, then, the rest of the rituals that are required to be done the brahmin way need not be followed as well. Hence, my hypothesis proved. No? No! I can hear my paati and MIL screaming at the top of their voices. They say, in this kali-yugam, we should at least try to follow as much as we can to earn the necessary points to go to Kailasam/Vaikuntam/whatever. Now, these words, ‘as much as we can’ is subject to a lot of ifs and buts and interpretations. What is much for you may be little for me. Or the vice versa. And so, again, we come back to our favourite lines, ‘whatever works for you’. Nothing works for me. NOTHING!

I’ll begin with the Upanayanam. A natural followup to being a brahmin boy is the ceremony called ‘Upanayanam’ of which ‘Brahmopadesam’ is a part, by which the boy is instructed to wear a thread across his chest for the rest of the life. ‘Why are only men eligible for Upanayanam?’ was Seema’s question. This is what ‘Upanayanam’ is supposed to mean – Upa means ‘Chanter’ and Nayanam means ‘With exact actions’. So.. A person, from his Upanayanam is eligible to chant mantras, slokas and other religious lectures for the benefit of self, relatives and the society. Remember a brahmin has no other ways of earning money except charity. Well, after Upanayanam, a guy would ideally be given the right to chant mantras and religious lectures for the benefit of the society, which would in turn attract charity (a form of dakshina, we could say) to run his household. Why aren’t women allowed to chant mantras? Patriarchy. What else? What is the equivalent of this ceremony to woman? ‘A coming of age ceremony’. Because, in those days, while a man was deemed to be bread-winner of the family, the woman’s job was to procreate. Division of labour, you see.

So there, Upanayanam’s relevance busted. If I am not even a brahmin by my actions, how is Upanayanam relevant? If I am not even going to learn the Vedas, how does wearing or not wearing a thread matter? If I am the partner of a big audit firm, why would I have to go ‘Bhavathi Bhikshandehi’ to each home for morsels of rice? I don’t understand.

Here is the logic behind wearing the thread, per se. Although I agree to a lot of what the article says, I doubt if any of those people wearing the thread actually know the technique mentioned therein to avoid kidney disorders. Seriously. Also, why spend so much of money on that threading ceremony, when it is just a precaution to avoid diseases?

Lets now focus on the wedding. Most of the rituals in a Tam-Brahm wedding, if you can see, has stemmed from the fact that they have been programmed for child marriages.

The first of the ceremony in a TamBrahm marriage, ‘Vritham’ is done both by the groom and the bride separately, with their respective sets of parents. While for the bride, it is basically, to ward off evil spirits; for the groom, it is to add 3 more strands of thread to his already existing 3, to indicate a change in the ensuing relationship status. If Upanayanam is relevant, then, this ceremony is.

The next, ‘Nishchiyadhartham’, is akin to an engagement and yes, this is relevant. For a change.

The next is Kashi Yatra. I found this meaning from here pretty relevant - ‘Immediately after his student-life, the young bachelor has two alternatives before him – Married life (Gruhasta) or asceticism (Sanyas). Being by nature escapist, he prefers the ascetic life to the tribulations of married life. He therefore ‘makes his way’ to kasi (VARANASI), complete with slippers, umbrella, bamboo fan etc. On his way, the bride’s father intervenes and advises him of the superiority of married life to ascetic life. He also promises to give him his daughter as companion to face the challenge of life. The umbrella is to remain with groom, to remind him in the future, of this advice.’ Given the nature of the Sanyaasis we see in the news day in and day out, I am not sure if the bride’s parents would even prefer having these ritual any more.

Maalai Maatral - Personally, the favourite of all my rituals at a wedding, simply because it is fun. It is apparently ordained in the Vedas and Shastras that a garland worn by one should not be worn by another. Here that we are intentionally doing an exchange signifies the fact that we are no more two but one. Very filmy. And here, the groom and bride are ideally supposed to be perched on the respective mamas’ (parent’s brothers) shoulders while doing the exchanging ritual. The mamas being at the helm of things is supposed to signify sibling love. The fact that the bride and groom should sit on their mama’s shoulders provide enough proof that this was solely intended for child marriages. And this is one ritual where children would enjoy more. No? (See I told you this was my favourite ritual. I am still a child at heart!)

Oonjal - is supposed to mean swing, where the bride and groom are rocked on it, while an ‘abhaswaramic-kutcheri’ by the relatives goes on in the background. The rocking is to signify the ups and downs of life. Again, this would be more enjoyable if the participants were children.

Kanya dhaanam and Maanglya dhaaranam - denote that the girl has been ‘gifted’ to the groom henceforth. No more comments on this.

Ammi midhithal - Ammi equals rock. When you are made to step on the rock, you are asked to be strong as a rock in the ensuing life. Why only girl, I ask?

Arundhati paarthal - Apparently, Arundhathi has been a famous-devoted wife to Vasishtar and hence has won a place in the sky as a star. So, seeing Arundhati (mind you, in broad day light from within the mandapam) would make you as devoted and perfect a wife. Right.

According to me, it is in the same line of children-being-married-to-older-men thought has the term ‘Sumangali’ evolved. I’ll explain. Those were days when the bride was 8 years old, while the groom was close to 30. When, with the dearth of medical facilities, no one would know if the groom would’ve a past history of serious illness. When, marriage has been always a game of chance. When, the guy is the sole bread winner in the family. And hence, the poojas and prarthanas to be and die a sumangali. No husband = no money = no life. Question – Is the term ‘Sumangali’ relevant as of now? Yes.. If a term called ‘Sumangalan’ is.

Then, the widow torment.  Why take off the pottu and the jewelry and flowers? This is for men. Yes.. You read it right. For men, not to think she is ‘available for marriage’ and develop feelings for her. Or misbehave with her. The logic is that women only look beautiful with flowers and pottu and silks and hence, men would not fall for women without all of these. Sigh. Did you know that I’ve witnessed ‘mottai paati-s’ as a child? Who are they? Widows, with their head shaven  and wearing no ornaments, always clad in a saffron coloured saree. Yes.. This was a way of policing men not to think other wise of those widows. Right. We all know what’s the plight of such women, right?  I doubt if we’ll ever realise that we are just making such women insecure by doing all this.

Not allowing them to participate in any ‘good’ ritual is just an extension of all this, is what I think. On a side note, CR had this brilliant post with some strong questions on the plight of widows. Do read that post for a practical perspective.

Now, that the bigger rituals are explained, I guess I have some smaller ones.

Fasting – RM and Seema have written quite a bit about fasting here and here. Of course, I have to add my two cents. Generally, in our TamBrahm households, fasting is observed on ‘Ekadesi’ days of every month. This is apparently to please Lord Vishnu. But the real scientific reason behind it is that on that day, every month, the tides and the general pressure level of the earth would facilitate fasting and easy digestion and hence the said day. It is ideally done to cleanse the system once a month. (Source - https://www.trsiyengar.com/id18.shtml) Also, on the next day, ‘Dwadesi’, food must be consumed pretty early, by 8-9 AM in the morning, breaking the fast, so that it gets digested well. The diet should contain ‘sundaikaai’, ‘avathi-keerai’ and ‘nelli-kai’, all these are healers of any ulcers the stomach would be prone to as a result of the previous days’ fast. There is nothing wrong in not fasting once in a while. No God would sue you in their court if the fast is missed. These citations of Gods are primarily to make us observe the fast. Just like how we I scare my kids with a ‘poochandi’ if they don’t eat, God is used here to make us observe the ritual. My belief is that, had the person who originated the ritual been alive today, he would have proposed a rule of ‘No junk food day’ every month to observe and keep our systems clutter free.

There is another system we have – to not cut nails beyond sunset. They say ‘dhardharam’ (a.k.a. ill luck) would enter the house if we do. The logic is this – those days, there were no lights available. There was always a possibility of cutting the flesh surrounding the nails if it was done beyond sunset. Hence the rule. You can decide if this is still relevant and if dhardharam will enter the house. (A similar logic holds good for not sweeping the house beyond sunset – lack of light to spot the trash!)

To not take bath as soon as we eat/drink to the brim. When my stomach is full and I move my body up and down to do the cleaning chores, there is always a digestive problem I can end up with.  Ideally, this rule is what any normal sane human being can think of. But, when I drink a spoon of water and I am not allowed to enter into the bathroom, then all I can do is a face palm. We are following the rules, you see.

Another one – Not wearing new clothes while sleeping. They equate this to the dead body being clothed with new clothes before cremation. That is just a scare. The real reason is that when we wear new clothes when sleeping, there is always a possibility of the new-dye-on-the-dress getting stuck to the body. That is why, clothes must be washed before using them on a permanent basis.

Off hand, this is all I can think of. There must be a truck load of such stuff missing from here. Do let me know if you find any. A post or a comment would be of help.

P.S. – I realise I’ve already written a post on these lines some time ago - http://pangsofsenselessness.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/on-festivals-and-rituals/

The plight of women at the top

My mother is the branch head in a bank in Madras. Some time ago, a long-time customer of the branch came in with a request that he wanted to sign as the introductory-customer for 200 potential ones. Given the existing customer’s not-so-regular track record, my mom refused to grant the request. On hearing this, the customer was outraged. He used all kinds of filthy language to abuse my mom; yet she wouldn’t budge. He called someone over the phone who claimed to be the local counsellor’s PA. The so-called PA screamed at my mother saying that he would ensure she would land in jail if she doesn’t accede to the request. To which, my mother replied she would rather land in jail than make an illegal transaction.

I know that such kind of threats are common at people at the top. What irked me most in the entire scenario was how a woman is being targeted at all levels. The PA to the local counsellor is no-one in this scheme of things and a petty part of the government-power as well. But, he talks and behaves with such audacity to get an incorrect transaction executed. Will all these people, be it the customer or the PA, behave in a similar fashion if it was a man in my mother’s place? I strongly doubt it. It is the ‘enna-irundhaalum-pombala-dhaane’ attitude. (Whatever be it, she is a lady only, no!)

You think this happens only at lower strata of the society? Nah. I’ve seen some IIM and Harvard graduates behave in similar disgusting fashion.

I worked in an MNC as an intern for 3 years. I was given to handle 2 superiors. One was A, a man. He was a good person at heart and a stud at work. But, he had a notorious temper. He would scream his guts out when a small casting mistake was seen. He’s torn papers for basic spelling errors. Then, the other was AK, a lady. She too was a nice person and her technical skills rocked. Although, she didn’t throw any kind of temper tantrums, she would ensure people moved their bums to actually do some work. There would be no screaming at all but the work would get done. A few interns, who were close to 4 years AK’s junior, point blank refused to work with her. She, after-all, was a woman throwing attitude. And the same set of interns was seen ‘maskafy’ing A.

While A had a temper because he had stuff, AK was outright arrogant. While A was on fast-track because he was technically brilliant, AK was there because she was a woman and had some luck. While A’s action was justified, AK’s was reprimanded. How can AK, a lady throw so much of an attitude? After all, she is a woman. Does reporting to a lady make so much of a difference? All (other) things remaining the same, does wearing a suit and a salwar make a difference? It apparently does.

A pretty well educated, so-called-forward-thinking senior of mine, once told me that he wants to get married to a girl who is professionally qualified but chooses to stay at home and socialise with his parents and extended family. Apparently, socialising and craft making are a woman’s domain. Not, going out to earn. Then, why would he need a professionally qualified girl? That’s a status symbol, you see. ‘My wife is a doctor, but stays at home socialising with her in-laws.’ A lot of times I wonder if this is the kind of world that we really want for our children.

I am not sure if our Prime Minister would be criticised as much as he is now, if he reported to a person of the male species. Jayalalitha, Mayawathi and Mamata are criticised a score of times over and above the other corrupt politicians only because they wear a saree instead of a dhoti, isn’t it? (P.S. – I am not justifying any of their actions here!) ‘Sariyaana thimir pudicha pombala pa’ has become such a common phrase these days. Somehow, pombalai becomes the underlined word. Sigh.

When the wife listens to the husband, it is normal. When it is the reverse, the man is ‘hen-pecked’. We, as a society find it demeaning to obey the orders or take instructions given by a woman. Even if the woman is more qualified, tons of years elder, earns more, is wiser or whatever be it, the man is superior to the woman. Just because his gender was decided at birth. Just because he is a man.

Sigh. Damn with all the conditioning, I say.

Ageing and its side effects

It is an India – Australia match.

A tough chase with 36 runs needed of 24 balls.

Dhoni and Ravindra Jadeja are at the crease.

Dummm.. Jadeja falls terribly.

Yet I wouldn’t…

Panic.

Reserve a lucky seat.

Turn away from the television set.

Scream.

Call Appa to share the disappointment.

And then, Dhoni hits the decisive six.

Yet I wouldn’t …

Erupt in joy.

Run towards the television set.

Scream.

Call Appa to share the excitement.

I would just sit on the couch watching the damn match. Sigh. I am getting old!

Please say a loud NO to make me feel better. I mean, pretty please!

(Yay.. I posted on all five days of the work week after quite some time. **Applause**)

Destined for an accident

Yes.. I am the one the title of the post is talking about. And no… this is not a real accident. So, you can now breathe a sigh of relief. Thanks.

Some time ago, a certain someone came to me with an intended sympathetic gossip. ‘You know what? A friend of mine is pregnant with a second child, while the first is just one and a half years. Its going to be really difficult for her. Why aren’t people being careful?’ I know that the someone was genuinely concerned about her friend; but that didn’t stop me for recalling the times I was attacked with a spew of such remarks. Just to clarify at this point, I am not pregnant with a third one.

I’ve been meaning to make this confession in this blog for a long time but I guess there is a time for everything. And the time for this is now. I was pregnant with not one, but two kids just a month after I got married. It was one of the most stressful times of my life I should say.

Then, I was married to the CH for a month and a half. By then, the CH had already moved to the US. My ex-employer refused to release me from employment until I served the 3 month notice and hence, I was held up in India. When my periods chose to skip for the first time in my life, my heart skipped a beat, too. I was cribbing about it to my MIL but she was so supportive to say, ‘We’ll face whatever destiny has in store for us’. And I think that was the only thing she ever said about my pregnancy. As we consulted the doctor, she confirmed the pregnancy. Not one. But two. My mom was overwhelmed with tears. Not happy tears but tears that stemmed out of fear. I went blank. On one hand, I was so happy to have twins but the completely new environment was intimidating. Basically I was not ready for this huge responsibility. Here, I have to admit that a slight trace of the ‘other A-word’ option came up in my mind for a minute. But the CH, for the first and only time till date, negated any of such thought with a lot of conviction. I should say I am eternally grateful to him for that. Else, my conscience would’ve deemed me as a sinner for life.

I was advised travel only after 3 months. Which was both a boon and  a bane. I couldn’t be with the CH when I needed him the most. But, I had people, more importantly Amma, to take care of me when I was filled with nausea and puke. Finally, I travelled to the US with my inlaws in tow, endured another 6 months and delivered the kids as well. It was then that I realised why my mom was overcome with fear when she heard about twins. Two live beings to be fed, bathed, cleaned, calmed which meant work, work and more work.

Guilt was quick to envelope me. I cursed my ignorance. Every time, I felt the exhaustion pangs gripping me, I would show it on the CH. Or the kids. Or on me. And then would sulk eventually. This routine went on for about half a year.

That was when I heard the news of my friend’s miscarriage and the eventual complications surrounding her oncoming pregnancies. I was her sole punching bag. And I am still thankful for being that. If not for her, I would continue to sulk till today. She made me realise that every thing happens for a reason. In fact, God has actually blessed me more than enough.

While my mental-wounds were healing on one hand, slowly, my children were growing up resulting in lesser work. And, also, my episiotomy was healing as well. This made me think in a more saner fashion. It wasn’t that I never wanted kids. It was just that I hadn’t wanted them, then. He had given me something even before I’d asked for. I should ideally be thankful for that. And here, I was guilt-tripping to glory for nothing at all. It was only then that I started counting my blessings.

I was given a wonderful husband who bore my torment time and again but was there for me when I needed him most. I had been pregnant when the economy was bad to land on a job. It was only a break in career that I was taking. Not that my career was breaking completely. Probably, if God had given me a choice, I would have found it difficult to choose and hence He didn’t. I was young and healthy enough to deliver normally with limited complications.

From then on, I looked at my children with a new found love. I politely declined all the help that was offered to me from India. I wanted to raise them up myself. After all, they were my children. I stopped feeling the guilt of exhaustion. I realised, how much ever I was prepared for a baby beforehand, it would be overwhelming with two kids around. I began accepting my life. This acceptance gave me the strength to live life. And to enjoy it to the fullest.

I’ve graduated from a being a beginner in cooking to an edible cooker. We’ve shifted homes three times (including, a country shift once) all by ourselves. I’ve kick-started my career and I’m looking for a better change in the near future. I’ve read a number of long pending books. We are gradually reviving our travel genes. Relocating to India has given us the much needed ‘we-time’, once in a while. I’ve become an avid blogger. All of this, after babies happened.

But this transformation hasn’t been easy. Not only because of my mental block. But also, because of the ever-inquisitive-well wishers we were/are surrounded with. I hear a lot of newly-married-women complaining about the ‘any-good-news’ question bugging them. For once, I was on the other side. One well meaning relative, when I was pregnant, narrated to me the story of how her son had his wife abort the first fetus because they thought it was too early. One other blatantly told me how she considered my pregnancy to be ‘too early’. I am not denying the fact that I conceived early but that becoming a point of discussion among a varied people at various situations annoyed me beyond belief. When will people begin respecting others’ privacy? But then, I began channelising all these petty gossips as renewed energy to prove that my early pregnancy has no ill impact on my kids’ upbringing. Day in and day out, I am working hard to be a good mother bringing up good children.

Once I was known to be carrying twins, it only became a bigger gossip feed. One relative advised my mom to bring one child to India and leave the other with me in the US. Of course, she was helping me. No? I laughed her idea off. One said, ‘Naalu maasam varaikkum naai kooda than kuttiya pathukkum. Apparam dhaan irukku!’ I took this up as a challenge to raise my kids all alone by myself; although I know that I have a long way to go in this regard. One other wondered what is the big difference between one  and two kids. After all, it is the same work involved. Thankfully for me, karma blessed her DIL with twins the following month to shut her up forever. Then, another relative accused me of not ‘doing anything’ giving twins as the excuse. That only added to my vigour of pursuing my career and enhancing my other interests.

What exactly am I trying to convey by this post? That, it is okay to not use contraceptives? Certainly not. I, for one, of all other people, know the importance of contraceptives now. As my kids grow up, I’ll be more equipped to let them know about planning and ill-planning and sex education and all that. And also, on the other side, I would be a standing example to let them know that it is not a crime to make mistakes in life. It is life, after all. How we deal with such mistakes is what makes the difference.

At this juncture, you might want to ask, what if my children were born after proper planning? Life would have been much better, right? Or what if my husband and in-laws weren’t as good as they are now? All of these are valid questions. Then, we can attach a ‘may be’ and a ‘what if’ to a lot of our other decisions too. After all, life is full of chaos theories and butterfly effects. No?

It saddens me a lot of times to see people attribute ill-mannered kids to ill-planned-pregnancies. And when unloving parents are attributed to not-wanted kids. I am not saying there could never be a relation. There could be. Or there is. Then, it is precisely to defeat this view and prove to be an exception that I’ve vowed to bring up my kids well. As well-behaved ones. As kind and caring ones. As ones who live life to the fullest. As ones who would help to make this place better.

Now, I only hope I succeed in this massive endeavour.

Musicals!

Minnale

Kakha Kakha

Vettaiyadu Vilayaadu

Pachaikili Muthucharam

Vaaranam Aiyiram

Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya

What exactly is common among all these films, apart from Gautam Vasudev Menon? Well.. All of these are sure-shot musical compilations of an emotionally soothing kind. Right? (That is precisely why I chose to leave out Nadunisi Naigal, which doesn’t even have a background score!)

Certain directors have this uncanny knack of bringing out the best in the music department of their movies. The plot or the characters may not speak for the movie. But its music will. Off hand, the first director I can think of in this regard is Mani Ratnam. Sample, Pagal Nilavu didn’t quite make the cut, commercially, in the real movie sense, but ‘Poo maalaiye’ is enough to prove it musically.

In this rare breed of directors, falls director Gautam as well.

He had a deadly combination with Harris Jayaraj for quite a few years, I should say. Had it not been for the Bombay Jayashree-ish Vaseegara and its big and small cousins, Minnale had nothing special. Kakha Kakha had a fit Anbuchelvan IPS and an adorable Maya, but without Harris’ magical Uyirin Uyire, there would’ve been something missing. Definitely. Even Gharshana, the Telugu counterpart of Kakha Kakha has wonderful music. Then came an overweight police officer Raghavan on his bike to woo his lady love with Paartha Mudhal Naale in Vettaiyadu Vilayaadu. Even a dud like Pachai kili muthu charam had the soul stirring violins to help in Unakkul Naane. And then, finally, we had a completely solid musical album in Varanam Aiyiram, what with the ever handsome Suriya helping it soar further.

At this point in time, amidst a lot speculations and fan frenzy and disappointments, the combination of Harris-Gautam broke up. It indeed was mourned as a big loss by all music lovers. But all things that end must eventually have a beginning. Right.

The best of AR Rahman was seen to emerge as a result of this break up. Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya happened. What can I say about its music? There are absolutely no adjectives left to do this job. Which song shall I call the best? Hosanna for the energy? Mannippaya for the pain? Anbil Avan for the joyousness? Omana Penne for the beats? Which of the two singers compete here – Alphones for Aaromale or Karthik for Vinnaithaandi? I guess the best way to relish this kind of music is to just sit still and breathe into it.

Now, why am I critically examining these? Where am I coming to? Well.. Bigger joys take time to be revealed. Listen!

Gautam’s next film is called ‘Nee thaane en pon vasantham’. This has Jiiva and Samantha in the lead. Yes.. yes.. At this point, you are entitled to reminisce Karthik and Gee Gee from Ninaivellam Nithya. So what you ask. Wait! The big news is yet to come.

Apparently, Gautam has realised that he’s got the best out of Harris. He has conquered the ocean called Rahman to make him give his best. On the other hand, he’s realised that there is another Karpaga Virutcham which keeps giving music as much as we ask. And  keeps giving and giving soulful music, endlessly at that.

Well.. Hold your breath… The composer for this new work is going to be, who else but, Ilaiyaraaja. **Applause**

I am overwhelmed even typing this. Here is the trailer for you.

These 50 seconds are enough to vouch the skills of the God of Music.

Ye fellow music lovers… Lets rejoice. All hail the King. The Raaja is back!

The periodical disturbance

It’s been close to a decade and a half that I’ve gotten used to this periodical disturbance. Or, PMS, as its abbreviated form goes.

There have been umpteen times that I’ve wondered if this monthly cycle was a curse on womanhood, per se. Then, there are many who believe it is more a blessing than a curse. Ad-phrases like ‘Have a happy period!’ make me bang my head against the wall. What exactly is happy about a period? May be and only that it confirms you are not pregnant.

This post is not about the period. This is more about the related social-stigma associated with those 3 days. Like, confining the girl to a separate room. Like, not allowing her to use the bed or touch any other clothing across the house. Like, giving her a separate set of dishes to eat and drink. Basically, treating the other person as an untouchable. Simply because she is not clean enough to get mingled among others.

As we all know and have reiterated innumerable times, this was a practice used ages ago to let the woman of then (who did quite a few labourious jobs) rest for a full 3 days per month. Also, this took care of the basic sanitation issues in the absence of secure pads that are available today. As days progressed, the sheep-herd attitude continued despite the tampons, technologically improved pads with wings and all of that. Sigh.

My grandma has been one of the notoriously conditioned orthodox people who made my mom take bath in the toilet during her periods. Apparently, on those days, the woman is not clean enough to set foot in the bathroom for cleaning herself. But.. But.. Isn’t a bathroom a place for cleaning ones’ self? My mom, being the non-confronting person that she is, let go off this evil without raising a cry. Apparently, when my mom moved out into her own house, she changed the practice.

This ostrasicing ritual continued one generation after as well. Although my mom was one of the most understanding persons on earth, she hated to confront my paati and hence, kept quiet. And asked me to, as well. For the first few years post me attaining puberty, I was given a separate paai-padukkai, thatthu-davara-tumbler for those three days. Being the silent-rebel that I am, I slowly outgrew the 3-day ritual. And I promised myself, I’d never inflict my daughter(s) with such a inhuman treatment.

It is just not about this 3-day-outage this post is about. It is also about the celebration that happens when a girl gets into adolescence. Some time ago, one of my nieces attained puberty and my sister called us to inform of it. **Rolling eyes** The first question I had for my sister was, ‘How is the little one? Is she finding it very difficult?’  I am not too sure of the existence of  a celebration of ‘attaining-age’ in the cities, but in the villages, a big hue and cry is made when the girl’s first period begins. The entire clan of relatives are informed, a huge function hall is booked and even posters are displayed across the village making an announcement; all this, while the poor girl is embarrassed beyond comprehension.

In a recent talk show that I witnessed on the television, there were a group of (educated-on-the-looks-of-it) people who actually seconded the idea of celebration.  One said, this is just a way of celebrating life. In his family, there were no girl-children and hence, for years together there was no celebration at all. Is this a justifiable reason at all? One more came up with the reason that the celebration is to inform the family-folk about the availability of the girl for wedding.  And one lady went on to say that they were more forward-minded by not hush-hushing this development, while comparing this with the n number of sanitary pad adverts on the television. What exactly is this poor little girl? A commodity in the market like the sanitary pad to have her advertised? Finally, someone else said that this celebration is to make known to the girl herself that she is a ‘big’ girl now and should behave in a more mature manner. If not for the celebration, she would not know her boundaries, he argued. What exactly are these boundaries? Not playing gilli-thanda and goli on the road with fellow boys of the village, he continued. Besides the question about what is wrong in do so, I ask, would the so-called-hormones inside the girl’s body be sleeping, if not for the celebration, to let her know that she has undergone a change?

These reasons look pretty trivial to me. And, then comes the religious angle of looking into this bloody sh*t business. (Please excuse my filthy language.) I believe not allowing woman into temples during their monthly period citing sanitation reasons should be extended to all human beings during days when they excrete. After all, they are unclean and unholy too. Which would mean no man or woman can enter a temple. Ever.

When will we begin looking at this as a natural change occurring in a chronologically destined sequence in the body of a female species? Just when will ever begin thinking rationally and add a teeny-weeny bit of common sense to ourselves? Is there any hope at all?

KK’s gadget times

The phone is becoming one of the most significant member of our household, these days. The fact is that, neither the CH nor me, actually spend a lot of time on the phone. It is just that we tend to drop our phones wherever we find empty space – table, chair, floor, any where. Which has in turn led to a considerable amount of phone-play by Keer and Kau.

Sample these…

Kaushik runs around with the phone in his hand and refuses to part with it, whatsoever.

Me – What is that you are doing with the phone always, kanna?

Kau – Message Amma.

Me – ??!!

—–

The phone is ringing at full blast while Keer keeps it near her ears and tries to answer the call. Only to continue listening to some generous music, ‘cos she doesn’t know the green-button-tactic yet. I try to tell her the right way of answering the call but in vain. Then, finally when the ringing stops, she looks at me while I keep staring her.

She says ‘cut aiduthu’ and puts the phone down. I promise you, people, I didn’t teach her this.

—-

Just like the phone, the phone-charger is also seen lying around duly plugged against the electric-sockets without an associated phone-device. And every single time, the Kaushik-brat would go in search of a mobile phone to plug it in with a ‘Amma-phone-charge!’

*****

When we left the US, we had a benevolent neighbour who gifted us with a few Barney CDs. Initially, they were a blessing in disguise. Now, I am dreading those. No.. the kids haven’t yet taken to its addiction. I am not even worried about Keer. She doesn’t like the TV or any other gadget as much as Kau does. I am dreading the coming days with him. And only him.

He already knows to insert the CD into the player and throws a tantrum if not played. He simply knows which of the wires connect the DVD player and on his own makes the connection. I am sure electronic-goods-repairer can be added to his list of dream vocations.

*****

The things that Keer touches have an uncanny resemblance to the ones that are bitten and half-eaten by the mouse. Like, our netbook keyboard which has more white-empty spaces than actual black keys. She has tactfully removed the keys from the board which are now lying around the house like fancy pieces of trash.

Now, we use the online keyboard to operate the gadget. **Sigh** Which is, apparently, the most cumbersome way of typing on earth. Thankfully, I haven’t yet inaugurated the kindle yet. I wonder what state it would get to.

*****

Anything that is rectangular in shape automatically qualifies to be a camera. Once such stuff are found, the next few minutes are seen as sibling-photographing time. Keer looks at Kau, holds the supposed-camera close to her eyes and says, ‘Kaushik.. Smile!’ and clicks with her mouth. While Kau, on the other hand, grabs the device from his sister and asks her to pose. ‘Say cheese’, he says. And clicks.

The most photograph-unfriendly-person that I am, I’ve got the most willing-to-pose-to-anything-in-the-form-of-a-camera-kids. Karma, I say. All Karma!

Question Friday

I had nothing to write today. But then, the news about a 9th standard student stabbing his teacher for trying to do her duty has shook me beyond belief. The teacher has not even disciplined him. She had just done her duty of making known to the parents about their child’s whereabouts, as a remark in his diary. And this has made him kill her. I mean, kill her! Sigh.

Well, I’d not come here to rant. I came here for an answer. What exactly is the lesson learnt from this stray episode?

Is it -

- that our education system needs to be streamlined to help children learn at their own pace?

- that the parents should be more watchful and discipline their children better? Are we sparing the rod and spoiling our children?

- that movies with gore and violence should be deemed inappropriate for kids? (Apparently the kid cited watching Agneepath as the reason for this heinous crime.)

- that the parents should monitor and ration giving pocket money to children? (He was given Rs.100 as pocket money daily which made him buy the weapon(knife) for the murder.)

- that the environment in the alleged-student’s home was not friendly enough for discussion?

Who is morally/legally likely to be blame-able for this incident? The student? The parents? The school? The teacher? The eductation system? The social media? And why?

I know these are a lot of questions. But, I am confused. Is this the kind of environment I want to create for my children?