… looks like a jigsaw puzzle, wherein I am frantically trying to put the pieces together. There are just so many changes that are forthcoming that I am praying to get through all of it without much hassles. Well.. as usual, ‘much’ is the keyword here.
We have bought a new home in Hyderabad. We sold off the one we had in Chennai and have now bought an apartment here. Which also means, we have also taken an additional loan(d) on our heads. Will we ever change? Sigh. The interiors are getting done there and it will be a couple of months before we relocate. The change from this house to that is going to be a challenge, primarily because of the location. The newer place is located at a farther distance and the buzzing traffic here is going to be replaced by an unusual quietness that we will have to put up with. Although, there are a lot of nice facilities available inside the apartment per se, the lack of noise is going to be difficult to adjust. Did I just say ‘lack of noise’? Such are the weird ways of the mind.
My health is going from bad to worse. I have been suffering from an intermittent UTI from September last. While, doing a blood work for that, it was diagnosed that the thyroid was playing games in my body as well. The range of the TSH was unusually high and I have been put on medication. The result of such medicines is that if I forget to take the tablet one day, I feel like a zombie by six in the evening – unable to even lift a finger once I am back home. (The fact that it is no better even if take the medicines can be ignored for the time being.) Which, obviously shows on the kids and the CH. These days, I feel like a perennial patient constantly complaining about some ailment or the other. The thyroid is having an impact on my physical weight which is growing at an astronomical pace. No kidding. And, I am finding absolutely no time to work out.
Work was getting beyond control. Loads of politics. Responsibilities were being thrust on me without even a courtesy ask. Every day, I used to come home, switch on the TV with some ugly little cartoon creatures taking care of the entertainment quotient for the kids, while I settle with my laptop with some excel sheets or phone, taking overseas calls. Did you notice the past tense in these sentences? Well.. There was no way I couldn’t snap. And, snap is what I did. The thyroid only added to my misery. Keer was gradually getting adamant beyond control; thanks to the Bheems and the cockroaches that I showed her on the idiot box everyday. (The fact that the CH feels that I am showing a generous dosage of imagination here can please be taken with a pinch of salt!) The guilt was killing me; and, so was my health.
I was stressed and preoccupied all the time. The work which I did was something that was circulated among directors and partners. One small error I did could wipe away all the good work I did otherwise. This undue pressure ensured that I was sleep-deprived all the time. I used to wake up to the laptop and sleep with my laptop. Slowly, I was getting addicted to the system; the perks; the politics of it all. And, I hated myself for it. For all this, I was among the top performers in my vertical. It gave me happiness; it gave me more money; it also gave me more responsibilities. More than all this, it gave me more foes than friends. Everyone around me, looked at me like I was a threat to them. And to pull me down, they used ‘my working mother status’ as a hook. This, I hated the most.
Also, the fact that I was also slowly into running the rat race. That, I started working for rewards than satisfaction made me cringe at my own self. My manager is one person I discuss mythology and philosophy with. During one such discussion with my manager, I was discussing the futility of all this. It was an abstract conversation where I was pointing out how appraisals and ratings determined the amount of effort we put in. Krishna’s ‘do your duty regardless of the reward’ was slowly dying, I told him. ‘We are in Kali, my dear friend. While, you are still talking about the virtues of the Satya Yuga’, he laughed at me. Thud.. I was brought back to this mortal life.
Amma was here for a couple of weeks to help me. So, were my in-laws. But, I still was feeling the pressure. I always have this ‘do-it-all-by-yourself’ attitude. ‘Hire a cook’, someone said. Cooking has always been my stress-buster. Slowly, even cooking was stressing me out. I would stand in front of the stove throwing some onions and tomatoes and making something edible. Slowly, the days where Pizza was becoming our staple food increased. ‘Where was the love?’ I questioned myself. Still, I couldn’t get to terms that someone else was cooking for us. I outsourced most of the other house-hold chores. And yet, the house was always in a mess. I had to drag myself to read one book to the kids everyday. Slowly, even that became an extinct chore. This was the time when she wrote this post. It was so apt for me. I was becoming a human doing. It had been days, that I stopped by to smell the flowers. In fact, I had forgotten that flowers even existed.
I spoke to Amma about the stress. She was very clear – ‘If this is the rate at which you are going to continue, there is no way you are going to stay sane!’ I spoke to the CH. He was very clear too – ‘If you wish to quit, you can. But, you should also realise that you are not adept at staying at home full time. Think about that too and then, the choice is yours!’ My MIL was around and she recounted how difficult her life as a SAHM was. My manager at work assured me that things would change in some time. I gave it ‘sometime’. Everyone around me were clear about decisions. I was the only odd one out. Nothing changed in the ‘sometime’ I gave; my thyroid levels included.
I consulted the CH again. ‘Do you think all of this is worth it?, I asked him. ‘I can’t decide for you. But, if you believe your decision will make you happy, please continue!’ I am so blessed to have a husband like the CH. He continues to give perspectives without any old thoughts clouding his judgements. The support he gives me always amazes me. I keep asking myself if I would do the same if I were in his place.
But, the problem with me, on the other hand, is and will always be is that ‘I am a confused person’. Will I be happy after quitting? I didn’t know, then. I still don’t know. The flattering pay cheque of mine had spoiled me enough to the extent of getting me addicted to it. But, I was sure I was not going to stay where I was unhappy. I will strive to be happy. If it takes all my life to do it, I will still do it. There are a lot of times I think about the fickleness with which I lead my life. (I know others judge me that way, too!) But, I take heart in the fact that I have the privilege of living life at my own terms and not at other’s whims.
While I was talking to my manager some other time, he told me, ‘You women have this habit of taking decision in a whim. You do not consider the future at all while taking decisions!’ I sighed at this stereotyping; but somewhere it hit a chord. I started looking at the future. I e-mailed her. And her. And her. It is during such times that I feel so blessed about being a blogger. All the three of them gave me some wonderful perspectives about not having a corporate career. I did a lot more research on whatever they had to say, until I felt convinced that I will end up with something that would keep me occupied and also give me some satisfaction. After that, there was no stopping me from taking the plunge. Finally, about a month ago, I quit. I will certainly miss my workplace a lot. The adult times. The adrenaline rush every morning. The pay cheque et all. May be, I’ll get back to it when I feel like. For now, I know I can be good at this corporate game even after a huge gap I had taken ‘cos of motherhood. The ego in me is satisfactorily smiling with a feeling of vindication.
I have a month to go before I am relieved of my official duties. But, now my mind is clutter-free. Which, in turn showed in the blood-work I did yesterday. The thyroid hormones seem to have calmed down. They are in control now. Yes.. That is good news. My next goal is to work out enough to have a better health. Yoga is also on the cards. The other happy news is that we are off on a vacation as soon as I am relieved. Yippee! And, then, is the moving of homes. After all of these are done, I’d wish to sit down and realign my thoughts to cater to what I’d be wanting to do. A creative writing course, may be. A volunteer at an NGO, may be. A teacher at a private institute, may be. Free-lancing, may be. A lot of may-be’s there!
I know there will be times of desperation of not being in the corporate world; Like, there were desperate times while being in the corporate world. But, all I am hoping now, is that my decision is of some worth. To me. To my health. To the kids. And, to our collective happiness. Fingers crossed.
P.S – I am sorry for making you read such a depressing post. I just had to get this out of my system. I am hoping to write some nicer posts going forward. Forgive me this one time, please.
